huilen is weleens nodig

what was it that took over me? i felt like the world was crashing down to a certain extent. there was an intense realization, something that possessed me. i can't be dependent on my parents anymore. i depend on their approval, on their consent, for my own development. discussion is good, it has been so far. but there's a small difference when there's a dependence on this discussion. i need to pull away. become more me and not me without them. it's not fake. it's not a simulation of the real world. i need to enter the real world, without the strings attached. the strings that make me wait on their consent, live my life to please them. show them every move. i do what i do, i know what i know. they're on the other half of the world, for goodness' sake! there's a difference of how a budget works, how money flows. i'm their daughter, not an investment fund. i'm working hard to further myself. i'm not going crazy with going out, with anything. so then why feel guilty all the time?
that's what took over me. a tired feeling that my self was being suppressed by an invisible hand. laissez faire, the invisible hand will make sure that all goes well. that's too rational as well. there's not so much THINKING involved with leaving it alone. or any control. it's leaving me be, and then i'll have to figure it out.
if they believe in me, then they should believe in my own invisible hand.